Journal entry from an infertile mother… and what not to say.
Prior to having my amazing 20 month old toddler… we spent 5 long years trying to conceive. In that time I kept a journal as a way to get my thoughts and emotions down on paper. I recently came across my journal and decided to take a gander… the things that I read actually stopped me in my tracks. I put these comments and moments in a box in my brain and intentionally hid them to save myself some heart ache. The comments that I wrote about are baffling. If you are going through the infertility and/or IVF journey I see you, I was you and I am you again. It’s a tough road for us warriors but one we all walk together. I am not ashamed, I am not uncomfortable talking about or answering questions about our fertility Journey. This is not always the case for everyone so give grace if people don’t want to discuss it. It is a very personal experience and each person/couple will have their own comfort level with sharing. When I receive questions or people make comments regarding fertility I always answer in our truth… sometimes with a little sprinkle of sass. That’s just who I am. If you take nothing else away from my words in this post… please hear these four pieces of advice. 1. If you are not comfortable with someone crying on your shoulder… don’t ask why they do not have children yet. 2. If they haven’t openly discussed their plans to be or not be parents with you… don’t ask why they do not have children yet. 3. If you are not comfortable hearing about injections in someone’s booty… don’t ask why they do not have children yet. 4. If you’re not in the relationship… you guessed it don’t ask why they don’t have children yet. You don’t know everyone’s journey or struggles so asking opens up a potentially awkward moment for all involved. Some of the people who ask me questions or make comments are very taken back by my honest and forward responses. Although they can sometimes seem sassy I am hopeful to open dialog about infertility and what it feels like to be given so much pressure. To my fellow IVF and TTC’ers I hope you cannot relate to the below questions/comments that I have responded to… if you can then I hope you can feel my strength and steadfast approach.
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“Q: Don’t you feel behind compared to your twin sister since she has 2 children already?”
A:Of course I feel behind, but I am sprinting as fast as I can to make these fertility treatments works! Speaking of which I need to go stick this needle (shows needle) in my booty now. Fingers Crossed! (Jets away)
B: Oh is it not normal because I was born second I have kids second? (Laughs) I have been trying for 4 years so far… so yes I feel behind but I am doing what I can and am lucky to have nephews to love and distract me!
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Q: “Do your sisters children make you feel sad about not having any?”
A1: My nephews are two of my favorite people on this planet and they couldn’t do anything to make me sad (except choose to hang with my husband and “drive” our boat in the driveway rather than hang with me ). Being an Aunt is an amazing feeling and I am so blessed. Maybe their magical ability to make me do what they want will help the universe do what I want… Hey who knows but fingers crossed!
A2: *Gasp* *look appalled* *Walk away* *Go facetime nephews to tell them you love them within ear shock of person who asked the question*
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Q: “You’re 31 when are you and your husband going to start trying for children? Tick Tock Lady!”
A1: Wait I am 31 one? Wow we are all getting older every second, even my eggs are getting older, let’s not waste time on this conversation I need to go find my husband and immediately get started!
A2: Yep we started trying when I was 27. 4 years so far! We have more fertility treatments next month, since you know my eggs are working towards geriatric, I hope it happens soon… cause yikes!
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Q: “How come you guys don’t have children yet, you’re not getting any younger!”
A1: (said in a very rambling tone) Well we were diagnosed with unexplainable infertility which means we have no idea why. We are hoping that modern medicine and research will get us an answer real soon! Rain check on this answer? Hopefully not too long a wait for the answer though!
A2:Why don’t we have kids yet… hmmm…well (pull out fertility injection from cooler in purse) these darn shots in my booty haven’t done there job yet. So if you wouldn’t mind sending a prayer up to the big guy we would appreciate it!”
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Back story for my final example: This happen during a 4th of July weekend. Chad and I went on a get-a-way to have some R&R between IVF cycles. You know to get our minds off of things. We went to WI and decided to meet up with some family for dinner. While walking up to meet our family for the evening at a dockside restaurant the bar tender jokingly commented (yelled across the bar) on our hand holding as we joined our group at the table:
Q: “Better not hold hands you’ll end up pregnant!”
A:*Stop dead in tracks* I responded (shouted back) to the bar tender in front of a very crowded bar “OH MY GOOOOSH That’s what we are doing wrong. Man! 4 years of trying for children and all we had to do is hold hands. *throw hands towards the heavens and laugh to husband* Man we could of saved a lot of time, emotions, money and physical stress of IVF. Thanks for the pro-tip bar keep! I’ll take a shot of fireball.” The bartender awkwardly turned to my mother and asked her if we are struggling to have children. My mother told her yes. The bar tender uncomfortably walked away and no longer worked with our table. I truly wish they would have and asked questions or discussed this as it could help her establishment/people in the future but hey I am not going to force anyone to have a personal conversation.
We have nothing to be ashamed, so in this house, we are open and honest of our journey. However, a good rule to live by if you do not want a deeply personal answer – do not ask deeply personal questions.