6 healthy and effective boundary setting techniques
As the world completely changed in the last two years, I have found, boundaries are more important now than ever before. Setting clear boundaries became a priority and I have found a few boundary setting techniques that work. The six ideas, steps or rules that I have found for setting clear, successful and meaningful boundaries in my life are the following:
Take your time answering: if you don’t know your stance, thoughts, wants or needs about a situation someone is asking of you. Give them the response of “I will get back to you.” or something similar like “can I get back to you tomorrow?” Take the time you need to give an answer that is clearly communicated, assertive and correct for you. Being pushed into an answer can be a warning sign and I find it even more pertinent to take the needed time when this happens. When you come to your decision be timely in your response as well.
Be proactive and assertive with your wishes: we cannot predict the future but we can set our future selves up for success by being clear now. When making plans, moves at work, entering a relationship or any other high stakes situation give as much forewarning as possible. What I mean by this is if you already know your wishes, needs and expectations tells them upfront. When big moments come along set your boundaries and expectations firmly, authentically and early. It is much more difficult to fix a situation than it is to prevent one.
Clear concise boundaries are key:
Make sure you are very clear when communicating your expectations and boundaries. If you are unsure wait and make your decision in your own time. If your response is confusing or constantly changing you will likely end up where you are trying to avoid. If you feel the person or group you are speaking to us unclear give further clarification and ask follow up questions. You will always be better off giving extra clarity over not enough.
Ask follow up questions when making a decision: If you are unsure what someone is asking of you, do not, I repeat do not, just go ahead and hope you’re right. Making a clear decision for yourself is key for not only setting your boundaries but keeping them with other people. If a decision is made without all the facts it can potentially go against your boundaries currently in place.
Say what you mean and mean what you say: If you say one thing but allow another your boundaries are not only unclear but will likely be ignored in the future under the guise of “they don’t know what they want.” This is also where taking your time can help!
Allow yourself to change your mind: It’s OK to change your mind about a person, place, decision or idea when the information, circumstance or situation has changed. Knowing your boundaries is key. Changing them as needed is just as important. I struggle with this boundary setting technique the most because of the thought process “you don’t quit once you commit.” However, if something you committed to was not what you thought, when new information, evidence, emotions or circumstances appear it is appropriate to reevaluate your previously established decisions or boundaries. I have found in these situations explaining why you changed your mind can help (but is not always needed or necessary).
Keep in mind changing your boundaries constantly can be confusing so please refer back to the previous techniques regarding being clear, taking the time you need, assertive in communication, following up and following through on your decision are all important in each boundary setting situation
Having clear boundaries, knowing what you want and deserve helps your relationships build in a healthy and respectful manner. Do not use the term boundaries as a weapon to hurt others but only a shield to protect you in life. Your boundaries should be set for you specifically and not to negatively impact the people around you. If someone is constantly attempting to push or break your boundaries it’s time to make some tough choices.
Last bit of my thoughts on this… choose what your hard boundaries are and make them. Also take time to learn others boundaries as well. Respect if best served mutually.
